I sent my dad some x-rated photos of extremely anatomically accurate
vegetable shapes and he sent me an e-mnail back that I wish I had saved,
that basically said
"That's about as funny as the news of your human-shit-composting experiment. I continue to have higher hopes for you."
2 lines. Like a dagger.
I told him that if we didn't shift our dogma toward shit, sex, and food
that our culture will end with a crash (as if it won't already).
I think I may be the first one who rececived a test hole injury today,
when taking my own advice I wiped my butt with that thick brown paper and
sustained a paper cut wound to the upper crack. Luckily it missed the test
I finally figured out a good wiping system, and I haven't sliced my butt
since that first day (I started using a softer brown paper).
For all my fellow test holers: Revolutionizing shitting is a big piece,
but revolutionizing wiping is a step beyond even yet. "Sure I'll shit in a
bucket, no problem. I'm a bad ass (I'm hard-core, etc.)" BUT(T), ARE YOU
WILLING TO TOUCH YOUR SHIT? I'm not just trying to proffer a
"grosser-than-thou" adolescent one-upmanship yucky contest. I'm saying
wiping with an industrially prefabricated paper product is as nutso as
shitting into purified drinking water. I have been waiting for a vehicle
for my campaign for years, and finally through Humble Pile I have found
it. That campaign is:
WIPE WITH WATER!!! It even has a certain ring to it. Here's how it works.
My friend coined the perfect question for this proposition. It both
illustrates the point and gives serious post-food for thought. The
question is... Should someone approach you and smear shit on your face,
a) wipe it off,
b) wash it off.
"Ah-ha!" most people say. But another clever friend said "I would wipe it
off and then wash it off." Good answer.
And so it came to pass, my perfect wiping system that I recommend for
Go to your nearest grocery dumpster (I use Red Hen bakery on Milwaukee Ave
where I can pick up pastries and bread along with my toilet paper: the
poop fuel and the clean-up product in one!) where you will find a plethora
of clean brown paper bags, cleanly packed in garbage bags. Use that paper
to wipe and then pitch it right in your montoncito humil. THEN, when you
are already wiped up, using a small jar, proceed to the toilet to clean
the rest. To take those of you by the hand who may be faint of heart and
walk you through it: with one hand pour the water over your crack, with
the other scrub-a-rub your test hole until it is squeaky clean. To prove
the hygienicism of this system, you can even smell your fingers afterward-
if done right there should only be the smell of roses on your baby-soft
skin. And, of course, wash your hands well with herbal soaps made from
dumpstered animal fat. The beauty of this is that there is so little poop
on your 0 that you will not have to flush the toilet, and you won't be
adding a bunch of water to make your pile unpresentable to diplomats,
senators, building inspectors, and other varmants.
Enjoy, poop away, and savor the nutrient cycle!
"The trouble is that once you see it, you can't unsee it. And once you've
seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as
speaking out. There's no innocence. Either way, you're accountable."
-- Arundhati Roy